Potential

That's a heavy word. POTENTIAL. What is your potential? What is mine? Have I been living up to it? Lots of people have asked me how I have transitioned from being a working mom to a stay at home mom. Honestly, I was so sleep deprived last summer and into the fall that I couldn't even think about the change. It just happened. I truly enjoyed my first year "off" of working. Now I'm getting the question from various people: Soooooo, when do you think you're going back to work? Just like that. With all those o's dripping off the end of the word "so". It made me wonder if I should be thinking about going back. I even had to sit down and ask Ramon if I even NEEDED to think about going back. Can you say "paranoid"???

I guess I started to question if others saw me as slacking off- not doing my part in contributing to the finances. I don't want to be seen as the woman who lives off her husband's salary when she is perfectly capable of working herself. Now, I know I shouldn't give a rat's hiney about what others think about me, but after getting that question several times, it just made me wonder. I have two diplomas hanging on my wall in the office. And as embarrassing as it is to admit it, I'm not going to lie- I've looked at the list of principals my district currently has and think to myself- that could've been you, Ana. YOU could be doing x,y,z and making $$$ to go towards college funds, a newer car, a bigger house, etc. And, of course, there is a HUGE part of me that really misses all those kids who I've taught. There's a lot of work to do out there.... lots of minds to teach, lots of hearts to counsel, lots of kids to lead to better choices. Have I squashed my potential? I see lots of need out there. Many times I have thought to myself that I really need to master Spanish and become an advocate of some sort for Spanish speaking families dealing with Autism. There's just SO. MUCH. NEED.

And then I look into the eyes of my children. Sophia's brown curious eyes. Diego's big expressive eyes. Carlos' sweet innocent eyes. And I see my potential. And I'm brought down to the realization that I am where God has called me to be- with my little ones. They are my potential. They are my focus and I will not feel inferior again. I will not allow myself to feel as though I am not contributing to this family ever again. I will direct all my ambition and potential onto my children- all my love onto them because they need me here. And then when Ramon and I feel that they are fine without me at home- then I will meet my potential "out there". The fire is not out of me- it's just directed towards being the best stay at home mom I can be.