Ummm. Ew.

I wrote my post about potential a couple of days ago as I was going through this internal struggle about staying at home vs. feeling the need to work. I thought I would sit on it before I posted it. Then I had my annual nightmare. For the past 12 years, I have had nightmares that begin around the end of July and continue till, oh, around Labor Day. They all revolve around the beginning of school. Sometimes I will have a dream that my classroom is a total wreck and the kids are about to come in for the first time. Or I'll have a dream that I can't find important paperwork or data for a meeting. I'll dream about being locked in at school, losing it at a presentation, hellion kids screaming around the hallways, being late on the first day. I've even had a nightmare where I had a "wardrobe malfunction" at work. Last year I had the dreaded nightmare- like clockwork- but when I woke up, I just laughed and sighed with relief bc woo hoo! - I didn't have to go to work!!!
But this year, the dream was different. It was a Back to School dream, yes- but not at all like the ones before. This time, in my dream, Sophia and Diego were just about to come home from their first day of school. They get home and we are having our afternoon snack when Sophia starts complaining that her head itches. I look underneath her hair at the nape of her neck and there I find the all these lice eggs- huge, white eggs that are wiggling and jiggling around. I'm talking mutant-like lice eggs that were about an inch long and kind of transparent. Then I see these claw like jaws bite through the eggs. Ew! Then Diego starts scratching at his head and he has lice also!!!!! Just thinking and writing about this horrible dream has me itching all over!!
Thankfully- the alarm clock went off and I escaped the nastiest dream I have ever had. It didn't take me long to realize, however, that my subconscience has begun to transition with my conscience... I am no longer at teacher. I am a mom. A mom with a terrible fear of lice!

Potential

That's a heavy word. POTENTIAL. What is your potential? What is mine? Have I been living up to it? Lots of people have asked me how I have transitioned from being a working mom to a stay at home mom. Honestly, I was so sleep deprived last summer and into the fall that I couldn't even think about the change. It just happened. I truly enjoyed my first year "off" of working. Now I'm getting the question from various people: Soooooo, when do you think you're going back to work? Just like that. With all those o's dripping off the end of the word "so". It made me wonder if I should be thinking about going back. I even had to sit down and ask Ramon if I even NEEDED to think about going back. Can you say "paranoid"???

I guess I started to question if others saw me as slacking off- not doing my part in contributing to the finances. I don't want to be seen as the woman who lives off her husband's salary when she is perfectly capable of working herself. Now, I know I shouldn't give a rat's hiney about what others think about me, but after getting that question several times, it just made me wonder. I have two diplomas hanging on my wall in the office. And as embarrassing as it is to admit it, I'm not going to lie- I've looked at the list of principals my district currently has and think to myself- that could've been you, Ana. YOU could be doing x,y,z and making $$$ to go towards college funds, a newer car, a bigger house, etc. And, of course, there is a HUGE part of me that really misses all those kids who I've taught. There's a lot of work to do out there.... lots of minds to teach, lots of hearts to counsel, lots of kids to lead to better choices. Have I squashed my potential? I see lots of need out there. Many times I have thought to myself that I really need to master Spanish and become an advocate of some sort for Spanish speaking families dealing with Autism. There's just SO. MUCH. NEED.

And then I look into the eyes of my children. Sophia's brown curious eyes. Diego's big expressive eyes. Carlos' sweet innocent eyes. And I see my potential. And I'm brought down to the realization that I am where God has called me to be- with my little ones. They are my potential. They are my focus and I will not feel inferior again. I will not allow myself to feel as though I am not contributing to this family ever again. I will direct all my ambition and potential onto my children- all my love onto them because they need me here. And then when Ramon and I feel that they are fine without me at home- then I will meet my potential "out there". The fire is not out of me- it's just directed towards being the best stay at home mom I can be.

Puerrrrto Rrrrrrico

We had an AMAZING first family trip to Puerto Rico! Actually, the family wasn't complete because we left Carlitos home with my mom- which was a killer for me- but during the week we were gone- I completely realized that it was the best thing for us. Family vacations are a new thing for us. Growing up- we didn't go on family trips. No lake houses, no beach trips, never been skiing. I think my family went to Disney Land when I was little- there is a picture of me floating around hugging some Robin Hood character- but I don't remember it. Ramon's family went on trips- week long car trips to the mountains of Mexico to visit grandparents where the only way to get to the house you had to ride a mule. Leaves for toilet paper- that kind of thing. NOT a relaxing vacation. We've been wanting to take the kids somewhere but wanted to wait until Diego was a little bit older. Well, the timing was perfect. We chose to stay at El Conquistado Resort and it was so family friendly. After a day of flying and traveling, we arrived at the hotel in the late evening so the kids didn't get the full effect of seeing the ocean up close for the first time until the next morning. My favorite quote of the vacation was when I opened the balcony door, Diego said, "Mommy! Look at that swimming poool!" Sweet thing- he was pointing at the ocean!

We spent the first day in the pool and then getting to know our surroundings. The second day was BEACH DAY! The resort has a private island with a really sweet beach. To see my kids play in the sand, find shells and explore the shallow ocean water was a beautiful thing. It makes me so grateful that we are able to provide these kinds of experiences for our children. If you take your family on vacations every year, or if you have memories of going with your own parents as children, please, PLEASE don't take it for granted. I don't know if it was for financial reasons that my parents didn't take us places or if it was my father's health- maybe a little of both. I KNOW that Ramon's family would never have been able to fly to a beach and stay at a resort back then. I really don't want to get on a soapbox about it right now but it really hit me- what a blessing it is to be able to bring my children to a tropical paradise and to experience the world beyond Dallas, Texas. Did you know that there are children in Dallas who have never been downtown? That seeing the skyscapers is like leaving the state or country?

Okay- I went way off subject.... sorry!

The beach- they loved it! Sophia was so determined to find a starfish but had to settle for shells, coral and hermit crabs. Diego just wanted to splash in the water and dig in the sand. Ramon buried them in the sand and that was so funny! I,of course, just took advantage of not having to change diapers, clean the kitchen, fold laundry, and sat out in the sun reading on my Kindle! Just what this busy mama needed! Oh-and yummy beverages made it even better! We also took a walking tour of Old San Juan, which was just breathtaking. The colors of all the building were so vibrant and the architecture just took us back into history. We toured one of the island's forts and the kids really got into the history of Puerto Rico- especially at the mention of pirates! Boy, did we ever do some walkng that day but my two troopers kept up with us. I was so proud of how well they did because walking through the streets of Old San Juan was really more for Ramon and I- not a quite a kid-friendly day trip. We spent the last two days going back to the beach and spending time at the pool. We considered going to the rainforest but we were afraid that the kiddos wouldn't be able to "hang" with all the hiking. I was a little bummed about not going bc I knew they would've seen and heard animals not native to Texas and give them a better background of what a rainforest is all about. But the memories we made swimming with the kids in the ocean and playing with them at the pool will stay with us forever. Now, a month after the trip, it's neat to hear them talk to each other about Puerto Rico. "Hey, Sophia, remember when we saw the hermit crab?" "Yeah, and Diego remember when we hear the Coqui frog at night?" They want to go back and take Carlos with us. Well, actually, Diego really wants to go back because he REALLY enjoyed the buffet breakfast at the resort! Ha! My scrawny, petite little one chowed down on donuts, toast, bacon, sausage, fruit and all the cereal his little tummy can hold. And, of course, by the end of the 5th day in Puerto Rico, I was ready to come home to my Carlos. My arms were aching to hold him and I was missing his warm-I-just-woke-up-from-a-nap- breath on my neck. The plane ride home was long and rough (we had to be at the airport at 6:30 in the morning! GASP!). There is no place like home- especially when you have your sweet baby waiting for you. But we will hold Puerto Rico in our hearts because it was our first real family vacation. Now, the question is: Where to go next year?