10 Years Later

I posted on FB a couple of days ago that I had to explain 9/11 to Sophia and Diego for the first time. She had to wear red, white or blue in honor of the 10th annivesary of our nation's tragedy. It was a really hard conversation to have with a six and three year old. I found myself tearing up as I told her about the "people with evil in their hearts" who took over the planes. I told them about the brave firemen who rushed up those two towers to save all the people trapped with nowhere to go. I described how the passengers of Flight 93 sacrificed their lives to avoid the plane hitting our nation's capitol. Now, keep in mind, I kept it child-friendly yet my voice caught countless times and I had a hard time looking into their sweet innocent faces. It went over Diego's head, and for the most part, Sophia seemed to have a hard time grasping it all, but I do think the she could sense my sadness and that it was a horrible time for our country. Something changed in her eyes for a brief second and I thought to myself,"I just busted her innocent world bubble." I hated being the one to do it, but who better but me? I always want their worlds to be all bubble gum and confetti but that is not reality. Afterwards, I felt this heaviness in my heart and I couldn't really pinpoint why until this morning. 9/11 is a day that changed our country and our world. But personally, that is when MY innocent world bubble was broken. That is when I realized evil truly existed. That war and danger and death were a reality here in USA and not just on some remote country that I saw on the nightly news. That the choice to be a hero when there is so much to sacrifice needed to be made. So many questions. I remember going to our apartment after work and turning on the TV and just crying. And crying and crying. Ramon was with me bc they made all who worked downtown leave work in fear of attacks around the country. Not a man to show much emotion, he sort of just sat there with this glassy-eyed expression as we saw hundreds of people walking across the Brooklyn Bridge- trying to get to their loved ones. I called my dad who, to me, is the voice of all reason and just asked WHY??? It was the one and only time he didn't have an answer for me.
Today, on September 10, 2011, I went for a run in the morning. The weather was crisp and cool- you could smell fall coming. Our neighborhood is decked out with American Flags and just looks so beautiful. In the quietness of the morning, in the beauty of the sunlight, I thought about how grateful I am to live in this country, to raise my children, especially my daughter, here in the land where anything is possible. I said a little prayer, thanking those who have given their lives for me. For my babies. I said a prayer for those innocent souls who, for them, Tuesday, Sept. 11, 2001, was just another work day in NYC and D.C., just another day to take a flight back to their families and loved ones. For me, it was just another day teaching first graders. I left work a different person that day. I will never be the same. 9/11 made me grow up and still, ten years later, I'm reflecting how it changed me and what changes I have yet to make.